When will the boys become (gentle)men?

From the very beginning, Bilal has been open about his desire for a large family with me.  He told me that whilst he would never force himself upon me, he will push me to agree to more children as long as the opportunity is available.  I was slightly taken aback by his honesty, but I quickly remembered that I have lots of female acquaintances who have married men who turn out not to want children (particularly if they are older and have previous marriages behind them), or they have lost their enthusiasm for more children after the arrival of the second or so.  I mentioned this to sisters-in-Christ and they expressed the view that such a desire definitely increases a man's desirability to them.  A few weeks after our son was born, Bilal raised this issue with me and said he wanted to try for our second child with no delay.  Even with our second child not yet born, he is already talking about trying for our third one.

Bilal comes from a society where life expectancy is extremely low.  According to the World Health Organisation's 2015 statistics, France's life expectancy was 82.4 years, whereas in Mali it was 58.2 years (near the bottom of the table).  The situation for the Touareg people is even worse, with Minorityrights.org saying that their life expectancy in 2013 was 48 years.  From all I have lead to believe, this situation results in the Touareg people taking the view that time is always limited for doing things in life, in particular childbearing.  There is no time for men to do things like long, extended university studies, followed by time travelling, followed by time spent drifting in one's career and finding one's feet many years later, before finally getting married in one's fourties and grudgingly having children as one's fifties approach.  Touareg men have the mentality that they won't be around long, so they have to work hard to save up to get married, get married as soon as possible and then have as many children as they possibly can in as short a period as possible.  They will typically learn to start keeping livestock at the age of three or four.  I quite like this mentality, as it means men grow up very quickly: - no Peter Pan characters there!  Death isn't a taboo theme with Bilal, as he has maintained his Touareg mentality of life being short: - he also received regular reminders when he witnessed gang shootings in La Savine.

Putting aside the issue of religion, I would seriously advise women frustrated with men who are indifferent about their female biological clocks to seriously think about a Touareg husband!  Bilal is not afraid of getting his hands dirty, putting himself in danger for others, working hard in very arduous conditions or anything like that!  I remember when we were out walking in Marseille one summer evening and he was walking a few metres behind me.  I passed some guys in their mid-30s dressed like teenagers who had set up their X-Box One on the street for some al fresco playing and were puffing away on joints.  One of them said, "That chick is hot!  I want one like that one day!"  They didn't realise Bilal is my husband and he turned round and said to them, "Man agrees: - manz wifey is well buff, innit?  Dat's why man pursued her all the way up da aisle.  Maybe you'll get one too if you do something besides playing computer games, be a man, make something of yourself and go after one?"  One of them then said, "What?  You think you're a bigger man or something?"  Bilal replied, "Yeah.  I knocked her up straight away after marrying her and then again only a few weeks after our son was born."  I was trying hard not to laugh when I heard Bilal say that. When he caught up with me, I told him it wasn't appropriate to accuse some he didn't know of being immature based on little evidence, to which Bilal said he knew them well.  Bilal has never really cared about being a gentleman and I am aware many feminists wouldn't like to be spoken about in that way, but I do because I love real men!  MDR.

In some ways, Bilal is quite feminine.  He spends more time with our son than I do, as his job has regular hours and doesn't require him to travel: - dealing with a screaming baby when at the front row of a fashion show is not easy, MDR.  Our childcare arrangements mean he could spend the evenings socialising with his "homies" if he wanted, but he has chosen not to do that: - he has told his "homies" very bluntly that he is happy to socialise with them, but they have to either visit him at home or they have to go somewhere baby-friendly.  He also found his gym wasn't very amenable to men bringing in small babies, as it wasn't the type of image they were trying to create.  He threatened to take his custom elsewhere (and with him all the women who come along to gawp at him and men who come for his advice) and they soon backed down.  A few men unfamiliar with him initially poked fun at him for bringing our son along, but that was before seeing his body in the changing rooms, MDR.

Large families used to be common in times gone by in France, though I am doubtful many French men were as open as Bilal about how conception was a boost to their egos, MDR!  The Church of Rome has had a consistent policy of opposing contraception, though its power in France has been severely curtailed ("laïcité"), particularly with the 1905 law separating church and state, long before contraceptive methods became available.  I think it is good that the Church of Rome's influence has been restricted in France, but it is a shame that a consequence of this has been people's unwillingness to have children.  Much is made of France's high fertility rate, but the reality is that it tends to be the immigrants having children.  French men don't know how to be men any more!  With the great figures we Frenchwomen have and the female-biased gender ratio, few men can justifiably claim the absence of options, particularly if they lived in nearby Vitrolles in the late 1990s.  Bilal is aware of the baby bonus that Catherine Mégret briefly introduced for children born to at least one French/EU parent.  I remember someone asking him about her, assuming that he would dislike her on account of her supposedly "xenophobic" policies.  Bilal replied, "Fam, she used to be quite fit, though not as fit as manz wifey".  MDR!

Much is made of French men being seductive, but in my view, they have become wussies over the past few decades.  Prior to my relationship with Bilal, I was often approached by men, who I am sure never bothered to call my father when I gave them his business card.  Giving them my father's business card was never intended to put them off per se, it was intended as a test of their manhood!  I love the way Bilal talks to his "homies" about his marriage to "a well buff wifey" like me as being a conquest.  He first asked for permission to court me aged 18 (he was starting university, but already had a large income from his share-trading activities), which my father declined.  Bilal made several more attempts over the next few years while I was at university and subsequently working in the fashion industry before he finally conquered my father and subsequently me.  Bilal's ignorance about how to speak about women in a gentlemanly fashion didn't help, but Daddy later came to realise that he is a man with some rough edges when his activities at church became more apparent.  Daddy tried to turn him into a gentleman during our courtship and engagement without success.

French life expectancy has increased dramatically during the past few centuries, even the past few decades and doesn't appear to be slowing down.  People had more children in times gone by because of the low expectation that they would reach adulthood, i.e. having lots in the expectation of getting lucky with a few.  As mentioned, this is part of Bilal's subconscious mentality.  It is likely that many people have no rush to get married and have children because they think they have all the time in the world.  They prolong adolescence.  It is not such a problem for men when they do this in France, given the gender ratio and the fact that they are surrounded by fabulous women, but the numbers are not really in women's favour, as discussed extensively in an article entitled "The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough".  Also, given the expectation that the man will initiate, courtships tend to be according to the man's timing.

I am hoping that our son will grow up to have my French finesse and Bilal's ruggedness.  Bilal has said he intends to take him on regular holidays to Mali to develop them as herdsmen (I didn't argue, as I support this fully, even though I know many French mothers wouldn't).  Bilal finally managed to find a farm suitable for livestock somewhere near Marseille, so that our son (and future children) will be able to practice even when he isn't in Mali.  Bilal is also learning about mountaineering so that he can teach our son to operate in such environments in the absence of deserts here in France.  This won't be possible full-time, as he will need to be diligent in his academic studies, but the aim is that he will be well-prepared for both lifestyles.

On the other hand, I have insisted that I and my male relatives teach him how to be a gentleman and to speak proper French.  Obviously, it is still quite early to think about our son's career, but I was thinking a commission in the French foreign legion might be a profession where both these qualities are required.  They are based in Aubagne, which is more or less on our doorstep in Marseille.

I came across an article about Memminger High School in Charleston, South Carolina, which has a "Gentleman's Club" (in my view, a very unfortunate double entendre), which teaches young inner-city boys to be gentlemen.  To me, given Charleston's position as the epitome of Deep South gentility, it seems a shame that the boys didn't pick such things up.

A quick Google search also revealed the London School of Etiquette, which does this, but in a paid formal setting.  I am not enthusiastic about sending our son to a boarding school where he would learn this, as I believe that raising children is the parents' job, but I would be delighted if our son grew up to have all the airs and graces of both suave Frenchmen and stereotypical English gentlemen in addition to Touareg ruggedness.  Nobody can say if he will grow up to be sufficiently well-suited to the military lifestyle, but I could just imagine him in a Foreign Legion officer uniform (their headquarters is in nearby Aubagne).

I am not talking Bilal down, as I recognise that he has the personality traits that really matter: - finesse is not one of them.  However, it would be a shame if our son were held back in life or weren't able to woo the woman of his dreams because Bilal passed on his ignorance of gentlemanly conduct.  Certainly, there is an abundance of French men who have a reasonable amount of finesse, but there is a deficit of French men who know how to be real men, rugged and pursue a woman properly.