When will the boys become (gentle)men?

From the very beginning, Bilal has been open about his desire for a large family with me.  He told me that whilst he would never force himself upon me, he will push me to agree to more children as long as the opportunity is available.  I was slightly taken aback by his honesty, but I quickly remembered that I have lots of female acquaintances who have married men who turn out not to want children (particularly if they are older and have previous marriages behind them), or they have lost their enthusiasm for more children after the arrival of the second or so.  I mentioned this to sisters-in-Christ and they expressed the view that such a desire definitely increases a man's desirability to them.  A few weeks after our son was born, Bilal raised this issue with me and said he wanted to try for our second child with no delay.  Even with our second child not yet born, he is already talking about trying for our third one.

Bilal comes from a society where life expectancy is extremely low.  According to the World Health Organisation's 2015 statistics, France's life expectancy was 82.4 years, whereas in Mali it was 58.2 years (near the bottom of the table).  The situation for the Touareg people is even worse, with Minorityrights.org saying that their life expectancy in 2013 was 48 years.  From all I have lead to believe, this situation results in the Touareg people taking the view that time is always limited for doing things in life, in particular childbearing.  There is no time for men to do things like long, extended university studies, followed by time travelling, followed by time spent drifting in one's career and finding one's feet many years later, before finally getting married in one's fourties and grudgingly having children as one's fifties approach.  Touareg men have the mentality that they won't be around long, so they have to work hard to save up to get married, get married as soon as possible and then have as many children as they possibly can in as short a period as possible.  They will typically learn to start keeping livestock at the age of three or four.  I quite like this mentality, as it means men grow up very quickly: - no Peter Pan characters there!  Death isn't a taboo theme with Bilal, as he has maintained his Touareg mentality of life being short: - he also received regular reminders when he witnessed gang shootings in La Savine.

Putting aside the issue of religion, I would seriously advise women frustrated with men who are indifferent about their female biological clocks to seriously think about a Touareg husband!  Bilal is not afraid of getting his hands dirty, putting himself in danger for others, working hard in very arduous conditions or anything like that!  I remember when we were out walking in Marseille one summer evening and he was walking a few metres behind me.  I passed some guys in their mid-30s dressed like teenagers who had set up their X-Box One on the street for some al fresco playing and were puffing away on joints.  One of them said, "That chick is hot!  I want one like that one day!"  They didn't realise Bilal is my husband and he turned round and said to them, "Man agrees: - manz wifey is well buff, innit?  Dat's why man pursued her all the way up da aisle.  Maybe you'll get one too if you do something besides playing computer games, be a man, make something of yourself and go after one?"  One of them then said, "What?  You think you're a bigger man or something?"  Bilal replied, "Yeah.  I knocked her up straight away after marrying her and then again only a few weeks after our son was born."  I was trying hard not to laugh when I heard Bilal say that. When he caught up with me, I told him it wasn't appropriate to accuse some he didn't know of being immature based on little evidence, to which Bilal said he knew them well.  Bilal has never really cared about being a gentleman and I am aware many feminists wouldn't like to be spoken about in that way, but I do because I love real men!  MDR.

In some ways, Bilal is quite feminine.  He spends more time with our son than I do, as his job has regular hours and doesn't require him to travel: - dealing with a screaming baby when at the front row of a fashion show is not easy, MDR.  Our childcare arrangements mean he could spend the evenings socialising with his "homies" if he wanted, but he has chosen not to do that: - he has told his "homies" very bluntly that he is happy to socialise with them, but they have to either visit him at home or they have to go somewhere baby-friendly.  He also found his gym wasn't very amenable to men bringing in small babies, as it wasn't the type of image they were trying to create.  He threatened to take his custom elsewhere (and with him all the women who come along to gawp at him and men who come for his advice) and they soon backed down.  A few men unfamiliar with him initially poked fun at him for bringing our son along, but that was before seeing his body in the changing rooms, MDR.

Large families used to be common in times gone by in France, though I am doubtful many French men were as open as Bilal about how conception was a boost to their egos, MDR!  The Church of Rome has had a consistent policy of opposing contraception, though its power in France has been severely curtailed ("laïcité"), particularly with the 1905 law separating church and state, long before contraceptive methods became available.  I think it is good that the Church of Rome's influence has been restricted in France, but it is a shame that a consequence of this has been people's unwillingness to have children.  Much is made of France's high fertility rate, but the reality is that it tends to be the immigrants having children.  French men don't know how to be men any more!  With the great figures we Frenchwomen have and the female-biased gender ratio, few men can justifiably claim the absence of options, particularly if they lived in nearby Vitrolles in the late 1990s.  Bilal is aware of the baby bonus that Catherine Mégret briefly introduced for children born to at least one French/EU parent.  I remember someone asking him about her, assuming that he would dislike her on account of her supposedly "xenophobic" policies.  Bilal replied, "Fam, she used to be quite fit, though not as fit as manz wifey".  MDR!

Much is made of French men being seductive, but in my view, they have become wussies over the past few decades.  Prior to my relationship with Bilal, I was often approached by men, who I am sure never bothered to call my father when I gave them his business card.  Giving them my father's business card was never intended to put them off per se, it was intended as a test of their manhood!  I love the way Bilal talks to his "homies" about his marriage to "a well buff wifey" like me as being a conquest.  He first asked for permission to court me aged 18 (he was starting university, but already had a large income from his share-trading activities), which my father declined.  Bilal made several more attempts over the next few years while I was at university and subsequently working in the fashion industry before he finally conquered my father and subsequently me.  Bilal's ignorance about how to speak about women in a gentlemanly fashion didn't help, but Daddy later came to realise that he is a man with some rough edges when his activities at church became more apparent.  Daddy tried to turn him into a gentleman during our courtship and engagement without success.

French life expectancy has increased dramatically during the past few centuries, even the past few decades and doesn't appear to be slowing down.  People had more children in times gone by because of the low expectation that they would reach adulthood, i.e. having lots in the expectation of getting lucky with a few.  As mentioned, this is part of Bilal's subconscious mentality.  It is likely that many people have no rush to get married and have children because they think they have all the time in the world.  They prolong adolescence.  It is not such a problem for men when they do this in France, given the gender ratio and the fact that they are surrounded by fabulous women, but the numbers are not really in women's favour, as discussed extensively in an article entitled "The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough".  Also, given the expectation that the man will initiate, courtships tend to be according to the man's timing.

I am hoping that our son will grow up to have my French finesse and Bilal's ruggedness.  Bilal has said he intends to take him on regular holidays to Mali to develop them as herdsmen (I didn't argue, as I support this fully, even though I know many French mothers wouldn't).  Bilal finally managed to find a farm suitable for livestock somewhere near Marseille, so that our son (and future children) will be able to practice even when he isn't in Mali.  Bilal is also learning about mountaineering so that he can teach our son to operate in such environments in the absence of deserts here in France.  This won't be possible full-time, as he will need to be diligent in his academic studies, but the aim is that he will be well-prepared for both lifestyles.

On the other hand, I have insisted that I and my male relatives teach him how to be a gentleman and to speak proper French.  Obviously, it is still quite early to think about our son's career, but I was thinking a commission in the French foreign legion might be a profession where both these qualities are required.  They are based in Aubagne, which is more or less on our doorstep in Marseille.

I came across an article about Memminger High School in Charleston, South Carolina, which has a "Gentleman's Club" (in my view, a very unfortunate double entendre), which teaches young inner-city boys to be gentlemen.  To me, given Charleston's position as the epitome of Deep South gentility, it seems a shame that the boys didn't pick such things up.

A quick Google search also revealed the London School of Etiquette, which does this, but in a paid formal setting.  I am not enthusiastic about sending our son to a boarding school where he would learn this, as I believe that raising children is the parents' job, but I would be delighted if our son grew up to have all the airs and graces of both suave Frenchmen and stereotypical English gentlemen in addition to Touareg ruggedness.  Nobody can say if he will grow up to be sufficiently well-suited to the military lifestyle, but I could just imagine him in a Foreign Legion officer uniform (their headquarters is in nearby Aubagne).

I am not talking Bilal down, as I recognise that he has the personality traits that really matter: - finesse is not one of them.  However, it would be a shame if our son were held back in life or weren't able to woo the woman of his dreams because Bilal passed on his ignorance of gentlemanly conduct.  Certainly, there is an abundance of French men who have a reasonable amount of finesse, but there is a deficit of French men who know how to be real men, rugged and pursue a woman properly.

Things I love about Bilal

I am writing this article because some of my readers have expressed skepticism about how enthusiastic I really am to be getting married to Bilal, given what I say about him, primarily regarding his use of hip-hop French.

Granted, there are many strengths that Bilal does not possess.  He does not speak very good French.  Yes, he has native-level competency, but his vocabulary is hip-hop French, rather than the French equivalent of Queen's English.  He is no gentleman: - he refers to me as a "meuf" or "femeu" (French for "bird", as in slang for "woman"), saying I am his "pineco" (verlan for "copine" or "girlfriend") and quite openly says in front of his "homies" that I am "bien faite" ("well fit") as if these were completely normal words that one would use in a job interview.  His tastes in fashion are very different to mine: - unless he is wearing his chèche, he wears sweatsuits with baseball caps on backwards.  He is not very outgoing; in fact, he is painfully shy with unfamiliar people.

However, there are plenty of strengths that he does have and this article is intended to inform my readers about them.  Firstly, he is an extremely attractive man.  He is 195cm in height and has a very large build because he works out so much (for this reason, he doesn't tend to say, "la moitié, s'il vous plaît" at mealtimes).  There are only two occasions on which I have seen him bare-chested: - the first time was when he was rescuing someone from church who was getting into difficulty while swimming (referred to in an earlier post) and in a recording made on a mobile camera (which I will refer to later in this post).  I have never seen someone as heavily-built as him (he is more heavily built than the man in the picture below), even in the silly girlie magazines I used to read before I became born again.  He has these absolutely gorgeous curls that result from his genetic makeup being somewhere between the Arabs of North Africa ("Rebeus", as Bilal calls them, who tend to have straight hair) and the blacks of Sub-Saharan Africa ("renois", as Bilal calls them, who tend to have curly and knotty hair).  Bilal is seldom seen smiling, but when he does, it is an absolutely beautiful sight: - he has the most perfect teeth and he has the most adorable dimples (that are visible on the rare occasions when he is seen smiling).  He is a very heavily-built man, but has a really cute baby face.

Secondly, he is an extremely tough and brave man.  He runs a boxing club in La Savine to keep the restless and angry youths there out of trouble: - this is something I found out very recently.  He took up boxing competitively and did very well, but he was only willing to go so far because competing at a higher level would have taken up too much time and compromised his work at church.  La Savine has a terrible reputation that would be even more terrible if there weren't peacemakers like him around.  He has very strict rules and youngsters join on the explicit understanding that they will be subject to his discipline if he finds out they are involved in things like drugs, carrying illegal weapons and other gangland activity.  There is a poverty of expectation and he has inspired several youngsters to make something of themselves with both the fact that the boxing club gives the youngsters something to do and the fact that he gets to witness (i.e. evangelise) to the attendees of the club.  He refuses to allow any acts of Islam or any other religion (e.g. prayer facing Mecca) to be carried out on the premises and there is openly evangelistic literature on the walls and pamphlets everywhere.  Someone posted on Youtube a video of when a group of about 20 Muslims burst into a session of the boxing club and delivered threats of violence and death regarding his evangelistic activities.  Bilal politely, but firmly stood up to them and they backed down.  There was another video someone put up of Bilal on the street standing up to a group of about 10 thugs carrying knifes who threatened one of the children who was a regular attendee.  They had apparently travelled from Savigny in Paris (an area with lots of gangs) to cause trouble and didn't know who he was.  A few of them tried to attack him with their knives and Bilal deflected the strikes; the rest of them decided not to bother and fist-bumped him out of respect, seeing how tough he was.  I once travelled to Mali with Bilal and I saw the rugged terrain in which he carries out his activities as a herdsman: - the terrain is often mountainous and extremely hot for most of the year.  Mali has been a very unstable part of the world for a long time and I found out from some of his relatives that Bilal has regularly stood up to raiders armed with machine guns trying to steal his family's livestock.  Of course, nobody would ever deduce that Bilal was capable of any of these things just through a normal interaction with him.  As I have said before, I would much rather have a genuinely tough man like Bilal than a heavily-built, but pseudo-tough man who has never faced any hazards worse than defective gym equipment.

Thirdly, he is a very hard worker.  It is not easy arranging dates with him because he is always so busy.  He works the standard 35-hour week in his day job with "Le Trom de Marseille" (as he calls it).  However, I have heard from a colleague that he is always working extremely fast and productively.  Though he never got involved in student life at university, he was always very diligent in his studies, even though this wasn't widely seen, as most of his non-timetabled work was done in his room at home behind closed doors.  He was never one to make a song and dance about how hard he works, but I know he is a very hard worker.  When we were in Mali, if something needed to be done with his family's livestock, he would do it, irrespective of the time of day or how difficult the task.  Bilal is always active in church right the way through the day.  Our church has four services on Sundays: - early morning, midday, afternoon and evening and Bilal attends every one of them, operating the audiovisual equipment and does not desire to lie in on Sundays.  Even between the services, he is active.  Before the early morning service, he is busy setting up the audiovisual equipment.  Between the early morning and midday services, he is busy making preparations for the Sunday School class.  Between the midday and afternoon services, he is busy delivering his Sunday school class (except when he is eating his normal goats meat and jollof rice lunch).  Between the afternoon and evening services, he is busy evangelising at major interchanges in the city (bus stops, "Trom" stations, Marseille St. Charles station, Marseille Blancarde station etc).  After the evening service, he is busy counting the collection money and doing the church's accounting work.  The church has several meetings during the week.  There is a prayer meeting on Tuesdays, a children's meeting on Wednesdays (which children in good standing with the Sunday School may attend) and a Bible study on Thursdays: - Bilal is involved in all three of these meetings.  Also, Bilal's boxing club meets on Mondays and Fridays.  Bilal normally keeps Saturdays free of pre-arranged appointments (though he attends things if needed).  Occasionally, he will rest if he is extremely tired, but most Saturdays, he is engages in theological study.  He loves to read the works of theologians John Calvin (French of course: - his book "The Institutes of the Christian Religion is Bilal's favourite book with the exception of the Bible itself), John Wesley etc, as well as biographies of the great men of faith of the reformation and beyond, such as Hudson Taylor, Adoniram Judson, George Whitfield, John Wycliffe etc.  Biblical commentaries are a favourite of his as well: - off the top of my head, I know he has the commentaries of theologians including John Gill, Matthew Henry and John Calvin at home.  Also, one project he is working on at the moment on Saturdays is the translation of the Bible into his local Touareg language.

Fourthly, Bilal is an extremely kind person.  He is a very wealthy man on account of his online share trading activities, but I know that he does a large number of compassionate acts.  People at church give him their used food containers, primarily plastic pots.  He doesn't normally tell people what he uses them for, but I am aware that he uses them to distribute food.  Every day, cooks a large amount of jollof rice and goat's meat, puts it in the donated plastic pots and distributes it to residents of La Savine who are struggling to afford enough food to eat and local homeless people.  Given that many of them cannot afford to heat their homes in winter (La Savine is in a high-up and exposed part of Marseille), many women need the extra energy and aren't in a position to say, "La moitié, s'il vous plaît"!  Facetious I know, but MDR!  The flat Bilal lives in with his parents is not big enough for guests to stay, except on the sofa or the living room floor, so he has a spreadsheet that he uses to manage the details of people at church willing to offer temporary accommodation to people who find themselves homeless through no fault of their own.  He organises laundry runs on weekdays so that the host families don't need to bother with bedlinen.  He also collects used clothing and household appliances to distribute to people in need.  He regularly visits the older residents of La Savine who don't have anyone to keep them company.  Even on Sundays, he is not too busy to chat with someone who has a burden on their mind: - he will always arrange a time during the day to chat with such people if they wish.  If he sees a beggar on the street, he will always offer some food, even if the only food he happens to be carrying is something posh for a party.

Fifthly, Bilal is very fond of children.  Pslam 127:4 talks about the value of children to a man.  If a man is even considering using contraception, it would suggest that he has some values that are at odds with God's standards when it comes to children.  Bilal wants a large family for both cultural and religious reasons.  I refer back to the aforementioned religious reason.  When it comes to cultural reasons, he is extremely fond of his native Touareg culture and does not want to give it up by westernising and having a small family or being part of a childless couple.  He has openly said he would rather father five children and die a very young man than live to 100 and have one or possibly none.  I have told him I will cooperate wholeheartedly with his attempts to have a large family, which is natural, given how incredibly handsome he is.  Some lezzie feminists would accuse me of betraying feminism by saying this to him, but I would say that apart from the fact that I want a large family too irrespective of anything Bilal wants, he is a man who has spent many years diligently labouring to bring good to so many people and glory to God's name that he thoroughly deserves a helpmeet in his labours and if a large family is his main earthly aim, he deserves a woman who will give it to him.  I have no doubt that he has a special love for children.  When he is not diligently labouring away at another task associated with the church or his workplace, he can often be seen cradling a small baby or playing with toddlers or small children.  As mentioned earlier, he is very diligent in his evangelistic efforts via the Sunday School.  He is motivated to deliver his Sunday School class no matter how unwell he is (though the truth be told, he is a very fit, strong and healthy man and is therefore very rarely ill, save for complications that used to result from him not knowing he had coeliac disease).  His love of God and children and the desire to see their souls saved is what drives him to come all the way from La Savine on Sunday mornings come rain or shine (mostly shine in the case of Marseille, MDR).  As mentioned, he was completely willing to stand up to thugs threatening a child from his boxing club even when he was badly outnumbered.

Sixthly, all these things would be in vain if Bilal were not a converted man.  As the famous hymn verse (from "Rock of ages cleft for me") goes: -
"Not the labours of my hands
Can fulfil Thy law's demands
Could my zeal no respite know
Could my tears forever flow
All for sin could not atone
Thou must save and Thou alone
Believers are completely forbidden from marrying non-believers and if Bilal could not demonstrate that he is a born again man, I would never have entertained his advances, nor would my father have given his consent.  Anyone who is reading this post who is under some delusion that they are heaven-bound because they grew up in a Christian home, you are delusional, a blessing though it is: - you have been warned!  Bilal has presented both a credible testimony and conduct that is befitting of a believer.  Nobody should ever be under the illusion that one can enter heaven by means of good deeds: - salvation is by God's grace alone.  However, as the Bible points out, we must look out for the fruit of the spirit and James 2 makes it explicitly clear that unless good works result from a person's conversion, that person's faith is dead.  God gives us the rule about not being unequally yoked for a reason: - if I were married to a man who fulfils the definition of a suave Frenchman, but who is not a believer, we will be at cross purposes throughout our marriage, as we will both be pulling in different directions.  A believing husband is a tremendous gift from the Lord.  Being the Impossibly Dainty French Woman, I have been approached by enormous numbers of men, but I don't believe many of them were believers and I am delighted that God has chosen to bless me with a believing husband.

So there you have it.  A few key reasons why I am delighted to have Bilal as my future husband and why I am not hankering after any supposedly better prospects.

I'm engaged

Today, Bilal made a proposal of marriage!  This is something I have been eagerly awaiting for several months and I can now announce that it has finally happened!  I accepted without hesitation.  Bilal and I are very different people, but I appreciate his exotic nature, with him being a mix of Touareg and hip-hop influences.  This is evident in his language usage and clothing.  He is definitely my tall, dark (and heavily-built) stranger.

Bilal has moved into my parents' home (readers will note that I live in my own flat a short distance from the Vieux Port).  The reason for this is to adapt him to French culture a little bit more, as I have no willingness to live in La Savine, even if a top-floor flat would offer fantastic views of Marseille and the Mediterranean Sea.  Such a rough gangsta area is not appealing to a sophisticated haute couture Frenchwoman such as myself.  I would get tired of people greeting me by saying "Wesh-wesh toubab?" ("Wagwan honky?")  For some reason, Bilal never looks entirely at ease when in some more typically French areas in a way that he did in Mali (I cannot vouch for what he is like in La Savine, having never been there) and often appears homesick.

In the longer term, we are wondering about what sort of arrangements will be most agreeable to us.  One option we are considering is purchasing a livestock farm that would enable Bilal to feel at home.  Although the Common Agricultural Policy allows French farmers to get away with many backward and inefficient agricultural practices (hey, I suppose some compromises are necessary to produce the pure and natural products that a Frenchwoman desires), they are still a world apart from Touareg practices.  Another possibility is for us to construct a mountain home in the mountains to the north and east of Marseille to allow him to life a hill farmer lifestyle when he is not at work.  If anyone has any suggestions, please e-mail me at mariannegaboriault@gmail.com : - we are looking for countryside that is as rugged as Bilal is, MDR!

Even if we struggle to find somewhere that causes Bilal to feel completely at home, Bilal has told me he is willing to endure feelings of homesickness for the rest of his life in order to be with me, adding that I am "une femeu bien faite" (French for "a well fit bird") even by French standards: - obviously, when he is living with my parents, they will attempt to smooth some of his rough edges.  Bilal was never a macho man, but he has spent so much time around people who speak in this manner that he uses such words as if they were normal words.  He managed to restrain himself for job and university interviews, but found it too tiring to keep up a pretence beyond that.  This is partly why he tends to gravitate towards tasks that involve doing things in the background at work: - he can prove himself by the quality of his outputs and is unlikely to be obstructed by his hip-hop use of language.  At university, he would just turn up for lectures, practical assessments etc and just go home again afterwards to do his study: - he did very well academically and he was very diligent with his studies, but he never had any interest in being involved in the extracurricular life of his university, as he never really felt at home with the white middle-class liberal atheistic students the way he does in da 'hood or at church.  He feels at home at church because he knows that in this world, we are to regard ourselves as merely sojourners and if a church is a sound church, it is the closest experience a believer will have to the world to come.  Obviously, the wedding will take place in our own church (not the one shown below).

Obviously, given my obsession with food and Bilal's coeliac disease, we will need to expend a lot of thought about what food will be served at the wedding.  It will not be nice for me to have to share a marital bed with Bilal if the food served at the wedding has caused him bowel problems, MDR.  Unless a gluten-free croquembouche is available, we may unfortunately have to have an Anglo-Saxon style wedding cake.  Maybe we could have something along the lines of Mireille Guiliano's flourless chocolate cake?  Bilal is awfully fond of this recipe, but given that it is a recipe Mireille Guiliano approves of, presumably I shouldn't worry, MDR.

I think Bilal will look absolutely gorgeous in a morning suit, but he doesn't like suits and as far as I'm aware, the only time he has ever worn one in his life was for his job interview with the "Trom de Marseille" (as he and his homies call it in Verlan, MDR).  He is very fond of his Touareg attire and some of this looks gorgeous upon him though, especially the bright indigo garments.  Because he is such a handsome man, being around him requires a greater amount of self-restraint and I am pleased that with our engagement, the amount of time I will have tocontinue to exercise this self-restraint is getting shorter.

I will be looking for the most beautiful bridal dress I can find.  Apart from the fact that I am the bee's knees and worthy of the best, it would not do for a fashion magazine editor to turn up for her own wedding in an unfashionable bridal gown.  This will be my biggest worry when it comes to wedding preparations (apart from possible legal hiccups obstructing the legal validity, e.g. the registrar being sick on the day of the wedding).  However, as I have always been dainty in my eating, I will certainly not have to worry about how my figure will look in the dress as lesser women do!  All I can say is roll on the wedding day!

My new boyfriend

I have recently received e-mails criticising me for not being politically correct, given my comments about hip-hop culture, suggesting that I am old-fashioned (in spite of the success of my fashion magazine) in my views on trendy multiculturalism, totally forgetting that I deal with trendies all the time.  In my line of work, whether or not you like it, you have to deal with silly people who like to think they are the bee's knees because they hold fashionable views.

Well, I have got some news for such people: - there has been a change in my life.  I recently acquired a boyfriend who is a member of a very trendy ethnic group.

In the church I attend, our custom is for a man who is interested in a lady to approach her father for permission to court her. The father then asks the suitor to open his books to him, by which I mean he asks him to assure him that he is a suitable prospect for his daughter, i.e. he is financially stable, he can support a family, he is a spiritually fruitful man, he is diligent in his day job and labours for his church etc.  He also has to convince the man that he understands that courtship should be no longer than necessary for both people to make a decision about marriage and that as long as he is in a courtship with the man's daughter, he is to be constantly attempting to move himself to a decision on whether or not he wants to make a proposal of marriage.  If he can convince him that he is a sound prospect in all these areas, the father will then ask his daughter if he is happy to be courted by him.  If the answer is "yes", then he gives his permission and then he is at liberty to commence a courtship with her.

Being the impossibly dainty, glamorous, fashionable and stylish Frenchwoman that I am, I am very regularly approached by men.  Obviously now, my answer will simply be that I am spoken for.  However, up until now, what I did was I placed bulk orders for business cards with my father's contact details on (say 1,000 at a time with companies such as Vistaprint).  When men asked me out on a date, I would simply give them a business card with my father's details on and say, "Here are my father's contact details.  Direct your request at him.  If you get past my father, then you are probably somebody worth considering."  Sometimes, the man would persist and in such cases, I would normally repeat my answer.  With some men, I found myself saying, "What part of the phrase "contact my father" do you not understand?"  Up until now, the problem was that I was handing out huge quantities of business cards to interested men, but up until now, I haven't been asked by my father if I am happy to be courted by a man.  Obviously, I don't know if Daddy has been excessively picky on behalf of such a stylish girl such as myself, or if very few of the men I gave business cards to were serious enough and man enough to contact my father, or if many of them did, but were totally unsuitable prospects.

The full name of the man who has finally gotten past my father and claimed the much-coveted prize of being able to court a stylish and impossibly dainty Frenchwoman such as myself is is Bilal Ataubaq Ag Abdul-Khaliq.  In case anyone wants to know the meaning of the names, Bilal means someone who satisfies thirst, Ataubaq means handsome, beautiful, helpful, generous with got a lot of love to share and Abdul-Khaliq means servant of the Creator.  Ag means "son of": - his last name is Abdul-Khaliq, his father's name, because where he comes from, the father's name is often used in place of a surname. Bilal is a Touareg from Mali and is well known in the church for his extreme diffidence.  Although there are photos of Touareg peoples in this posting, none of them are of Bilal, as he was not happy about any photos of him being public and anyway, it is easier to just pick things of Wikimedia Commons.

I have been aware of Bilal's existence since he first started attending our church at the age of around ten.  He would come in all by himself at that tender age and he would be dressed in whatever hip-hop clothing was fashionable at the time and he had a strong preference for hooded tops.  The hooded tops would tend to have the drawstrings pulled tight, so as to show as little of his face as possible.  He would always sit at the back of the church in a slightly hunched posture.  If a female approached him and tried to start a conversation, he would simply ignore her: - cultural conditioning, I suppose.  Since the start of our relationship, he has made an exception for me, but otherwise, that is still the way he is now.  If a man approached him, he would reply to him in a monosyllabic fashion, though as time went by, if a man started a discussion with him about theological matters (e.g. the sermon the pastor had just delivered), it was possible to engage him in conversation.  The church could not and would not stop him attending the church services, but without parental consent, the church was unable to allow him to participate in Sunday School, which was a shame, as Sunday School might have made him less solitary.

I found out that the reason Bilal was always alone when coming to church was because he converted to Christianity in the face of extremely strong disapproval from his family.  His conversion happened when he was back in Mali: - he attended a church there, hoping to point out the supposed absurdities in Christianity and why only the word of Muhammad was accurate (*cough*), but his soul was soon won for Christ after a few weeks of attending the church.  When his family moved to Marseille, he searched out a church with similar doctrines (i.e. ours) and that is when he started attending.  One Sunday, the police turned up to take him home, as his parents had found out about his church attendance and falsely reported him as having run away (not true, as he would turn up on Sundays, stay all day and then go home).

His parents tried to stop him attending and even went as far as throwing him out of the family home.  He turned up on the Sunday looking very scruffy (this was aged 11 I think), as he had been sleeping rough.  One of the elders spoke with him and ascertained what had happened, took him to his parents' home, told them that he had several high-profile contacts in the police force and social services and threatened that he would have them arrested for dereliction of parental duties if they did not take him back.  They said that they would do so only if he renounced the religion that the Westerners had corrupted him with (a load of nonsense, as the pastor of his church back in Mali is a local man).  Bilal told his parents that he still loved them and, as far as practicable, was determined to honour them in accordance with the fifth commandment, but that he would openly disobey them to attend church on Sundays.  He also cited the words of Acts 5:29 ("Il faut obéir à Dieu plutôt qu'aux hommes" according to Ostervald and "We ought to obey God rather than men" in the KJV) and the words of Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29 and to them.  The words say that whoever has left his family members for the sake of the Gospel will be abundantly rewarded in the future.  Bilal also added that if he had to sleep rough, he would, for he was used to harsh conditions back in Mali and reminded his parents that the family livestock would not last long in the very hot summer months without someone physically strong enough to take care of them.  In the end, the elder kept up his threats against the parents and his parents took him back in.  This I only found out a few months ago, though I remember the day he came in looking scruffy: - obviously, a stylish and impeccably-dressed Frenchwoman like me will not struggle to notice something like this!

About a year after this (age 12 or so), Bilal started wearing a tagelmust (aka a cheche), a head covering that Touareg men wear when they reach puberty.  The way he wears it, it only shows his eyes and the top of his nose.  For reasons of practicality and for the sake of blending in (he lives in La Savine, Marseille's roughest area), Bilal often wears hip-hop clothing (say a sweatsuit with a hoodie to obscure his face), though he wears a tagelmust and other Touareg clothing when this is reasonably practical.  In Touareg society, men will generally wear the tagelmust except in the presence of close family members and they feel shame in showing their full facial features to a stranger or person of higher social standing than themselves.  I am aware that for this reason, when teaching his Sunday School class, he will remove his head covering (as it is understood in our church that being a Sunday School teacher is a position of authority), so as to be able to gain rapport with the children, but he will only do this behind closed doors.  Being alone with children is a bad idea from the perspective of child protection issues, so he has a younger adult male perform classroom assistant duties during his class.  If someone knocks on the door, he will replace his tagelmust before telling the person to come in and he gets very funny if people come in without knocking.

These days, he is very heavily involved in the church.  Teaching Sunday School is the only "frontline" duty he has, but I know that he has many "back office" duties, e.g. preparing the elements for communion, ensuring the baptismal pool remains clean and is filled with warm water on the evenings when baptisms take place (our church is a credobaptist one), ensuring that the church's IT systems are well looked after, ensuring the electrical affairs of the church are in order, typing out letters on behalf of the pastor when he leaves a recording for this purpose on a dictation machine etc etc.

One other miscellaneous thing he is involved in concerns music.  My church recently released a CD with organ plus solo renditions of all the hymns in our hymnal and I bought a copy sometime last spring ago.  The first hymn on the CD was "Jésus mis à mort pour moi" ("Jesus put to death for me", a translation of "Rock of ages, cleft for me").  The photo below shows the rock that the hymn is believed by some to have been based on: - this is near a garden centre in Burrington Coombe in the British historical county of Somerset (a county regrettably composed of people deluded enough to think they are capable of producing as good quality cheese as we French).  Immediately, I was taken aback by the beauty of the haunting singing voice on the CD and as the CD progressed, it was clear that the singer had a range of at least four octaves.  I decided to look on the cover and see whose voice it was: - it was Bilal's.

I also learned of a story a few weeks ago where the pastor had to visit La Savine (Marseille's roughest area, which is also where Bilal has lived throughout his time in France) on account of a pastoral emergency (the wife of a church member who lives in La Savine dropped dead suddenly).  Bilal accompanied him as a bodyguard.  He dressed up in hip-hop clothing in order to blend in, pulling the hoodie drawstrings tight to hide his face, as is his custom.  Someone then approached the pastor to demand his valuables from him, threatening him with a knife.  Bilal stepped in front and politely told him to kindly leave them alone.  This didn't work, so the attacker lunged at the pastor with his knife.  Bilal picked him up by the front of his shirt and threw him a bit like one would throw a javelin.  The pastor's attacker then landed about five metres away and ran away, obviously scared and not willing to persist.

Last summer, we had a church day out one Saturday and we visited a small sandy beach (there are no natural sandy beaches in Marseille) that is just off the Avenue Pierre Mendès France.  At the beach, there is the Skatepark du Prado and a go-karting track, which the younger children who attend the church enjoy.  Part-way through the day, panic set in when it became apparent that one of the children swimming a little too far from the shore for comfort was getting into difficulties.  Bilal (wearing full-on Touareg dress and reading a book at the time) became aware of this and walked towards the sea, undressed down to his swimming trunks, swam out to the child in distress and brought him back to the shore.  There was rapturous applause upon the child's return and someone said to Bilal, "I thought you couldn't swim", to which he replied indifferently, "Well how do you think you rescue livestock stranded by flash floods in the desert in Mali when you are miles from anywhere?", before putting his clothes on and resuming his book.  Some people started crowding round Bilal to congratulate him, but luckily, the pastor stepped in and explained that giving him unwanted attention like this would be like shooting a mocking bird.  For those readers not au fait with English literature, this was an obvious reference to what Scout said about Mr. Radley in Harper Lee's "To Kill A Mockingbird".  My mother insisted that I read this to help with my English fluency, but quite why my pastor decided to cite from low-quality literature, knowing that we French are the best at everything, I don't know.  Anyway, this was the first time I had ever seen him even with his head uncovered.  He had these beautiful naturally curly locks of black hair (not the sort that gets knotty, more like a perm, though natural in his case), with a skin tone somewhere between white northern African Arab and black African.  The other thing that was noticeable about him was his extremely heavy build and enormous muscles: - I used to read silly girlie magazines that contained pictures of heavily-built men, but they all seemed rather scrawny by comparison to Bilal.

This brings me onto the next point about him.  Growing up, he laboured in the family business of being a herdsman.  Sheep, goats and camels were his specialism.  He is from the Timbuktu area, which is drier than southern areas, meaning that farming cattle is not desirable there (given how much grass they consume).  During summer holidays, we would not normally see him in church, as he would return to Mali to look after the animals (no easy task, given that average daily maxima in Timbuktu are above 35 degrees between March and November).  He would do whatever he needed to do, be this engaging in one-on-one combat with animals or people attacking his livestock, herding them to areas with food and water (in the mountains if necessary, of which there are some to the west of Timbuktu) etc.  When he arrived in France, he did well in his studies and went through the university system.  He now works as a rolling stock engineer with the Marseille Metro and he has the long-term aim of starting up a business as a high-speed open-access railway operator along the lines of NTV (Nuovo Trasporto Viaggiatori, the Italian open-access high-speed operator) and is taking steps to lay seeds for the fulfilment of this aim.  I have no doubt that this went down well with Daddy, although the fact that Daddy works for SNCF means he is unlikely to welcome the competition that Bilal's proposed open-access high-speed operator would offer!  MDR!  Bilal has told me that he is into online share trading and it is rumoured in the church that he is a very wealthy man.  I am not interested on finding out the precise extent of his wealth at this stage, as Daddy has already ascertained that his financial maturity is sufficient to start a family.

Anyway, the event concerning him I found most notable was when I was walking past one of his Sunday School classes in progress a few weeks ago.  He was giving a talk to some secondary age children about the Five Points of Calvinism: - remember, John Calvin was born in Noyon in Picardie, which is further evidence that we French are the best at everything, which includes producing theologians!  MDR!  I loved Bilal's passionate and theologically sound explanation of the doctrines of grace to the children and how he expertly dealt with all their questions.

Coming to the conclusion of this blog post, Daddy told me that several years ago, Bilal approached him and asked his permission to court me.  Daddy then said any black man who came anywhere near his children would suffer very serious consequences.  Bilal then said, "Sir, Marianne is under your authority and I fully respect that.  I can see that I don't have your approval now, but I am willing to wait until I do receive your approval.  Oh, and just a little diversion, don't bother threatening me like that.  I've lived in La Savine since I was 10 years old and for many years, I have had to fight wild beasts and livestock raiders in order to protect my family's herds.  If you think I'm even batting an eyelid at a threat like that, then you obviously don't know me very well.  However, as I said, I won't court Marianne without your approval, but I will wait until I receive it and I will work to earn your approval."  Daddy added that there were a few other instances where he asked between now and the first request.  In the past few days, Bilal approached my father asking to court me again.  This time, Daddy asked me if I was willing to agree to it.  I don't know him very well, but I decided I would at least see what he had to offer, so I said "yes".  Daddy therefore went back to him and said, "Bilal, you are 100% welcome to court Marianne.  There is nobody in the church who is more worthy than you to do so.  I would be honoured to have you as part of my family if this courtship results in marriage."

So there you have it: - I have my first boyfriend.  Bilal told me I am the type of girl he always aspired to court.  Conversely, Bilal is not the suave Frenchman I always dreamed of in my youth (Serge Gainsbourg minus the cigarettes is the archetypical example, I suppose), but I am open-minded.  A few days into the relationship, I am very happy.  Watch this space.